Martian Air Force Denies Stories Of UFO Crash
from Gusev Crater Daily Record



A spokesbeing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien spacecraft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft". The story broke late Saturday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, and "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases."

Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report. General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up," pointing out that Mars has no swamps. They point to the release of secret government memos detailing attempts to discredit reports of the landings by alien spacecraft.

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GUSEV CRATER DAILY RECORD
MARTIAN AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH
Gusev Crater (MPI) - A spokesbeing for Mars Air
Force denounced as false rumors that an alien
spacecraft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares
Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press conference
today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that "the
object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather
balloon, not an alien spacecraft".
The story broke late Saturday night when a major
stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base
contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with a
story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which
allegedly came down in the nearby desert,
"bouncing" several times before coming to a stop,
and "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases."
Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser
contacted the Daily Record telepathically to
contradict the earlier report. General Rgrmrmy The
Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable
vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were
blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving
swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to
accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events,
preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly"
nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have
condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of
"an obvious government cover-up," pointing out
that Mars has no swamps. They point to the release
of secret government memos detailing attempts to
discredit reports of the landings by alien spacecraft.
The memos discuss strategies to avoid troubles
similar to those caused by the War of the Worlds
radio program of years ago. The program, which
featured a sensational story of gigantic oxygenbreathing,
water-guzzling, two-eyed invaders from
Earth, sparked planet-wide panic.
Local residents like Driv Rhodo, who lives in the
area of the alleged landings, are even more
skeptical. "I seen it with my own 5 eyes" claimed
Rhodo last week. "I've lived here over 300 years,
most of my adult life-form. Them things used to be
few and far between but lately they come in every
few years or so. The government wants to bury the
truth but I can tell you what's real. The Earthlings
are going to invade and the government is spending
our hard earned tax dollars on press releases and
denials instead of preparing for the battle to come."
A spokesbeing denied any government involvement
in the disappearance of Rhodo, who has not been
seen since shortly after the interview, claiming
"Any sentient being knows that a planet with the
concentrations of corrosive oxygen and liquid water
found on Earth, along with its crushing gravity three
times higher than Mars, is a deadly and inhospitable
environment for the formation of life, much less
intelligent life. The fear and consternation caused
by the unfounded and wild speculations of citizens
like Rhodo are a traitorous disservice to the citizens
of Mars."

posted by prof_booty | 10:12 AM